Have you ever thought how trauma can affect your friendships and you’re ability to make friends? I didn’t put too much thought into it, I figured something was wrong with me. During a therapy session we got on the topic of friendships and why it is so hard to make friends.
This awareness got me thinking how many more of us have experienced trauma and have a hard time making or maintaining friends. Let’s explore why it is so hard to make friends especially as an adult. But first why are friends in adulthood important?
The Benefits of Friendships
Friends are there in good times and bad. Friends are who we can depend on for support and understanding. We look at our friends to be non-judgmental but keep it real when we’re wrong. As we get older and life pulls us in different directions, friendships can fall to the wayside and lose importance.
Friendships do have benefits in our life both mentally and physically.
- Friendships increase your happiness and quality of life.
- You are less likely to experience depressive symptoms because you’re lonely.
- Studies show that those with a core group of friends outlive those without
- Spending time with friends reduces stress
On this journey of healing and looking at old skeletons our support system is important to have. They are there to uplift and remind us to get back up and keep going.
How Trauma Makes It Hard To Make Friends
What is Trauma?
Trauma is any type of distressing event or experience that could have an impact on a person’s ability to cope and function. Anger, sadness, depression, and isolation can be a result of trauma. Also, feelings of worthlessness can be a result of trauma.
Do you feel you are not worthy of having quality friends?
It may be time for you to do shadow work. Shadow work is a therapeutic processing of trauma from childhood up till now. It can seem overwhelming at first but there is an easier way to start shadow work. Read more
How Trauma Affects Your Ability to Make Friends
If you have experienced trauma then you know all the negative emotions that come with it. You may feel worthless, alone, and out of control. You may also have trust issues with not only other people but also yourself. Usually during a depressive episode, you will isolate yourself.
For some people trauma makes them go within themselves, hiding from the world. This can have negative consequences because isolation makes you feel more depressed. If you don’t trust other people, you will not open up to them and show them who you are. Therefore, these “friends” will end up loving a persona instead of the real you.
Trauma Makes It Hard To Open Up
Trauma can make it hard to open up and cause avoidant attachment. On the flip side you could become so desperate for closeness that you come on too strong with people pleasing behavior.
Trauma can also affect your self-confidence. You may feel like no one will like you. It is like they can see all your flaws (which they can’t). Meet new people feeling like that person will find you interesting and want to be your friend too. It will make the attempt to make friends more positive.
Childbirth Can Be A Form of Trauma Too
You can experience trauma during or after childbirth. This is talked about less but occurs often. Anxiety, postpartum depression, and unhealthy attachment to home and baby can prevent you from keeping friendships alive. Don’t throw away your non-mom friends as long as they support and understand what you are going through. This is the worst time to get rid of your support system as you are going to need it while adjusting to a baby, motherhood, changes in your relationship, homelife, and/or a change in career.
Knowing that you have friends who will have your back in dark times is reassuring so you can get through it. There will be times when you will break down, lose sight of yourself, and lose control. It is our supporters, encouragers, and cheerleaders who make sure we get back on track.
How to Make Friends
First off, I think before you get into any relationship even friendships you should go to therapy to work through your trauma. Once you do that and get into a more positive space making friends will become easier.
There are ways to put yourself out there and make friends:
- Plan monthly activities, preferably that recur every month, so you come back enjoying each other’s company.
- Start a new hobby or join a class. Not only does this put you around people you already share interests with, but trying new things increases creativity and processing information.
- Put yourself out there and ask who would like to hang out. Ask who else is looking for friends.
- Join groups on social media and arrange meetups.
- Older adults make great friends and mentors.
- There are apps out there like meetup.com and bumblebee.
- Start your own group or club and invite old friends, coworkers, friends of friends, etc.
Photo by Anete Lusina from Pexels
Trauma can have a negative effect on your ability to make friends. Trauma can leave you feeling depressed, closed off, and unable to be vulnerable with others. Don’t let trauma stop you from having quality relationships. Friendships have many benefits physically and mentally. You live a longer life, increase happiness, and decrease stress. Your mental health is sustained when you have a supportive and encouraging circle of family and friends.
There are many ways nowadays to meet new people and form friendships. When you meet new people, you must approach them with a positive and confident mindset. Then the work to maintain friendships falls on you because you must be intentional about making time for your friends outside of your busy schedule and obligations. Yet the reward is worth it.
As always,
Be You Confidently
Need support, education, and accountability on your healing journey? Join my Intuitive Woman Coaching program for empowerment, healing, and learning to love your authentic self. Learn to listen to the woman within and lead with your heart. Learn more about the program here.
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