Motherhood Isn't What I Thought It Would Be

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I cannot begin to explain what I thought motherhood would be like. Maybe similar to butterflies and rainbows. I thought “I could totally do this parenting thing. How hard can it be?”

Well 4 children later I see it is HARD, like really hard. And I am still in the beginning stages. My oldest is 6 and my youngest is 1 right now. I got a long way to go.

What Is It Like Being a Mom With Depression

It’s kind of like eating a burger with no bun. Something is always missing.

When I got pregnant with my first child, I had extreme morning sickness. I was not blessed to have easy pregnancies at all. Then I got fired from my job for calling off too much. I was not handling pregnancy well.

Not only was I out of work and financially strained, but I was also an emotional wreck. I started getting on my own nerves with the amount of crying I was doing. After I had my son, I expected to feel butterflies and rainbows. Instead, I was tired and aggravated all the time.

It felt like I could not do anything right. From wiping him after changing a diaper, to the way I was feeding to not cleaning his bottles correctly. There was always someone scolding me and asking why I didn’t know these simple things.

I slipped deeper into my depression. I felt like a failure every time I made a mistake. I no longer felt like myself. I wasn’t finding joy in life anymore and felt like motherhood was a curse.

Why I Thought Motherhood Wasn't For Me

I did not find joy in my life. I felt like my job as a mother was a burden not a blessing. Sleepless nights, constant feeding, crying all the time, and constantly having a baby in my hands prevented me from getting things done.

I made so many mistakes that I felt like a failure. I had no clue all that was involved in being a parent outside of feeding and changing diapers. Until I had a child and would talk to my mom about what I was going through did I see this was normal. Motherhood isn’t what I thought it would be.

I started feeling left behind and without a purpose. I had to stop going to college multiple times because of my growing family and being unable to balance it all.

Feeling Stuck Feeds Depression

That feeling of being behind or not where you want to be is a motha*. When we feel stuck, we are feeding our depression. Then you begin to beat yourself up more and more.

I am telling you from experience don’t let yourself fall down this rabbit hole. You are exactly where you need to be to receive your next blessing. We don’t see it at the time but when you slow down and look around you will see you are farther ahead than you were yesterday. This is a reminder for me as well. Setting goals is cool, reaching them is great, but if you haven’t reached them yet still celebrate how far you have come.

There are no failures only lessons learned.

This Realization Changed My Perspective

We cannot control everything. We can only control ourselves.

I was running myself into the ground trying to do everything and appear strong and invincible. Come to find out, strength comes in different forms. I do not have to be strong and carry everything on my back. It is OK to sit back and take a break. Letting something slip or not get done or making a mistake is not the end of the world.

Instead of trying to make things the way I want them to be, I am learning to let it go. Instead of crying about things being in chaos, I created a routine to add structure. Instead of crying about my life being ran off track because I had children, I decided to carve out my own life separate from them.

Remember this when you are feeling overwhelmed…

There is nothing wrong with sending your children to daycare or school so you can get a peace of mind. There is nothing wrong with putting whatever you need to on the back burner so you can focus on you and your dreams. Self-care for a parent is essential to being mentally strong.

I am reading this book 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do and when I tell you life changing, I mean it. I recognized myself in the scenarios and realized I was mentally weak and comfortable with it. Not anymore. I deserve to be happy not only with myself but with my children as well.

Conclusion

When I started therapy back in 2018 after my 3^rd child was born, I knew I was ready to do whatever it took to get my mind right. To feel inspired and happy; to resolve my past traumas; and to not let my depression drown me ever again.

I still have bad days; days I wish I could disappear. The difference now is I do not stay in that space very long. I use my affirmations, meditation, and therapy to ride to a brighter side. You can too.

Motherhood isn’t what I thought it would be, but I’m enjoying it a hell of a lot more.

As always,

Be You Confidently